Wednesday, 28 May 2008
Thursday, 24 April 2008
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK THIS.
Wednesday, 23 April 2008
No matter...
No matter how crappy i feel sometimes, whether people know or not, i still can't help to smile when my friends are happy. So a HUGE well done for passing, and thank you SOOOO much for cheering me up in a way that you don't even know you have. It makes me thank God i'm alive.
Monday, 21 April 2008
Thursday, 3 April 2008
I'm confused
Do i do what's right and what i normally would stand for or do i do what i really want?
Sunday, 30 March 2008
Fed up of being alone.
I’m fed up of thinking that today will be the day that someone will come along and say they want me. Say that they want to hold me tight, protect me, kiss me. Each day I wake up thinking the same thing and it never happens. Then I come back home thinking it will be tomorrow. But it never is. I shouldn’t be so picky. I should ‘put myself on the market’. But I don’t know how. I’m always this happy girl who’s ‘not bothered’ by being alone. I’m fed up of being alone. What they don’t know is that every time I see a couple my heart hurts. Why can’t it be me? I get so jealous and I hate that. I just want to feel loved. There must be someone out there for me. There just has to be. I know I’m not that pretty and I’ll never be beautiful but people say that shouldn’t matter. Apparently even my weight shouldn’t matter, as other fat people are loved by someone. That just leaves my personality-insecure-immature-a masquerade. I just don’t know how to change. I put on this front trying to be ‘attractive’ and it doesn’t work. I don’t want to be alone like this forever or be with someone just because no one else will have me but I’m scared I might be.
Sunday, 3 February 2008
2 hours worth of work amounts to...
Hitler and the Nazi State: Power and Control, 1933-39
Using the evidence if sources 1,2 and 3 and your own knowledge how popular was the nazi regime in Germany in the years 1933-39?
The Nazi regime was crap. Hitler was an ass. Nuff said.
Using the evidence if sources 1,2 and 3 and your own knowledge how popular was the nazi regime in Germany in the years 1933-39?
The Nazi regime was crap. Hitler was an ass. Nuff said.
Friday, 25 January 2008
I HATE YOU
I see you as a friend now. I know that's all you'll ever be. I know it will never go any further again. but
SOMETIMES I HATE YOU!!!!
(but i still love you)
I don't mean to. I hate the fact you don't know how i still feel about you. You don't realise that it breaks my heart when you tell me what 'she' wants to do with you. 'She's' not bad or anything but i know 'she' suits you better than i ever would. That's what kills me inside.
But sometimes (just sometimes), i like it that you tell me these things. It means you trust me. Then i still feel close to you. And i know that she doesn't like us talking. And i like how you complain about her to me.
Does that make me a bad person?
I just wish that you don't do what 'she' wants if you don't want it (and it sounds like you don't).
Please do what keeps you happy.
Please don't think i'm a bad person.
I hope you tell me more next time i see you. That way there's still something between us. 'She' wont like that.
SOMETIMES I HATE YOU!!!!
(but i still love you)
I don't mean to. I hate the fact you don't know how i still feel about you. You don't realise that it breaks my heart when you tell me what 'she' wants to do with you. 'She's' not bad or anything but i know 'she' suits you better than i ever would. That's what kills me inside.
But sometimes (just sometimes), i like it that you tell me these things. It means you trust me. Then i still feel close to you. And i know that she doesn't like us talking. And i like how you complain about her to me.
Does that make me a bad person?
I just wish that you don't do what 'she' wants if you don't want it (and it sounds like you don't).
Please do what keeps you happy.
Please don't think i'm a bad person.
I hope you tell me more next time i see you. That way there's still something between us. 'She' wont like that.
Tuesday, 15 January 2008
Monday, 7 January 2008
Wednesday, 12 December 2007
ARGH!
I’m fed up with my mum! She has NO IDEA what’s it like to be me! I know I sound like a stupid, spoilt, over emotional teenager, but I don’t give a fuck! So, you’re doing A levels. NO YOU’RE NOT! You’re doing an access course, once a week, for 4 hours! And you get SOOOO much homework! You get less than me and more help and time to do it in! I know you have a house to run and a job, but so what! I have 6th from and a job and a family to please. You and Dad aren't exactly easy to live with. You don’t understand what 6th form’s like. YOU GO TO COLLEGE! It’s not EASY and I don’t just sit around in my study’s or practice music, contrary to what you think! I work my ass off all day every day and then I come home and do more! And still I’m behind! You don’t know how much I’m failing though. Of course, because I’m your perfect daughter. The only trouble you have with me is when I forget dates, or go out not even once a month for a drink with friends! Even then I have to be careful as I’m getting a drinking problem! You have no idea how easy you’ve got it with me. I don’t go out and get drunk, take drugs, have sex. I don’t get any male interest at all! I’m not as pretty as you were, or as slim. You were such an amazing beauty queen, bla bla bla! I stay in and do homework and be your precious little girl. Good little emma, doing everything anyone wants. I may as well just give up 6th form, but you don’t know that. NO! You still think I’m going to get good marks, because I ‘don’t believe in myself enough’. You ever though I have a reason for that!? I wont achieve because I’m not as clever as Dad or Alex. I’m STUPID! A stupid lonely looser!
Monday, 10 December 2007
But why?
I'm sure being asked out by someone should flatter me.
I'm meant to feel good about myself now.
'Someone likes me :)'
But I don't.
I feel horrid, like I was just being a spoilt, picky, selfish bitch saying no.
Why do I feel like this though!? It's not my fault I just don't fancy him.
Maybe I should be less picky and take whatever I can get.
It's not as if I'll ever get much.
I'm meant to feel good about myself now.
'Someone likes me :)'
But I don't.
I feel horrid, like I was just being a spoilt, picky, selfish bitch saying no.
Why do I feel like this though!? It's not my fault I just don't fancy him.
Maybe I should be less picky and take whatever I can get.
It's not as if I'll ever get much.
Saturday, 1 December 2007
Sunday, 25 November 2007
Wednesday, 31 October 2007
Monday, 24 September 2007
Uni
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go to uni. I really don’t. The thought of moving away to somewhere that I don’t know anyone and anything could happen scares me. There would be all that debt and I would still fail the course. I want to join the army. I’d have rules to follow and there’s safety and I wouldn’t go to war as I would just be a musician and they don’t. But stupid wrists and joints mean I might not be able to. Stupid me. Why get my hopes up. When I told mum about the problem with getting in because of my joints she couldn’t hide her happiness. She tried, but it was so obvious. So I’d make her happy until I fail there. Dad would be ‘happy whatever I do’ and all that rubbish that parents come out with. ARHH! Why do I have to be so stupid. I had a chance with the army. You don’t have to be that clever to join. I just had to pass the audition. There was a little chance I could do it. You have to be clever to go to uni. I might just scrape to get through to get in, but I wont be about to cope with the work load and the pressure. I’m so scared about it. Unbelievably scared.
I’m now sitting here looking at uni prospectuses and websites and most of the open days have already happened. I should have looked earlier, but I didn’t want to. I was putting it off. The next open day for one I want to look at is in two weeks and Nat wants to book it off work too. I don’t know if we’d both be able to. I just don’t know what to do.
I’m now sitting here looking at uni prospectuses and websites and most of the open days have already happened. I should have looked earlier, but I didn’t want to. I was putting it off. The next open day for one I want to look at is in two weeks and Nat wants to book it off work too. I don’t know if we’d both be able to. I just don’t know what to do.
Thursday, 26 July 2007
I Owe My Mum.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25.My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25.My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Thursday, 12 July 2007
Army work experience!!!!
I’m going to write about my work experience with the Band of the Parachute Regiment form the 2nd to the 6th July, which I went on with Jelly! It was AMAZING!!!
So, Day 1… Jenny and I went to school and caught a train from Thurston to Stowmarket. Then we caught the train to Colchester. There was a weird Indian guy on the train that was singing to himself in Indian, and then started talking to me! He told me that his dad’s a pilot, London was expensive to live in and that we have a new PM called Gordon Brown (well unless I’ve been living in a hole, I think I would know that!)! He just wouldn’t stop talking! Then he asked for my name, so now I’m called Lucy Stokes! He wanted my number too, but I said no.
When we got to Colchester train station we said goodbye to the Indian guy (!) and then couldn’t figure out where we were meant to meet the Army people. We didn’t even know what they were going to be driving, whether they’d be inside the station or outside or what gender they’d be! So Jenny stood at the back entrance and I stood at the front. Jenny bumped into a boy with a trumpet (James, 15) and he was on work experience with us too!!!
I finally spotted someone outside in greens and asked them if they were for the work experience people and she said yes. She was called Hailey and was really nice and friendly. When Jenny and I got onto the minibus we met Ian aged 17, trombone, and Chris aged 20, French horn. We didn’t know at that point how long we would all spend in that little minibus!!!!
When we got to Colchester barracks we looked round the music block and it was amazing! I’ve never seen such good music facilities! IT WAS SOUND PROOFED!!!! But then we had the joys of a three hours drive down to Worthy Down, the other side of Twickenham!
Think this post may go on forever!!! So, day 2! We had a horrible greasy breakfast at Worthy Down and all said we weren’t eating there again, and then we had an hour and a half commute to Kneller Hall in Twickenham.
When we got to Kneller Hall the rehearsals had already started as we’d been held up slightly by traffic on the way. When Jenny and I got to the flute section of the band I heard ‘So who’s Joes niece?’. Took me a couple of seconds to realise that was me (they call Mick Joe for some peculiar reason)!!! Then I got sat at the front at 1st flute next to a nice man called Richard and a girl studying at Kneller, but the only thought running through my head was ‘OH SHIIIIIIITTTTT!!!! HOW AM I GOING TO PLAY THIS MUSIC!!!!!’. After calming down a bit I got talking to Richard and he was really nice. He gave me his flute case to put my flute case into for when it rained as we were outside on what’s known as the Rock. It’s really just a staggered stage. When it did rain, everyone ran for cover under trees so their instruments didn’t get wet, and the electric piano and percussion were covered in a big sheet!
Surprisingly enough, we stayed there for dinner, not eating at Worthy Down after the greasy breakfast! Then we had to travel back.
The next day we had a McDonalds breakfast! T’was good! Then it was on the Kneller Hall. There we had rehearsals again in the morning and then we had to wait and hope that the concert wouldn’t be rained off. While waiting we had a look around Kneller Hall itself. It wasn’t really much on the inside, but it was really grand on the outside. Then we went and watched the Rubycons audition for Rhythm Force II. Hailey was the basest and it was really good. They did some covers and then they sung there own song (I think that was the best one they did!), however we didn’t find out if they got the job or not.
Then there was the concert. It was the highlight of my whole week! It was amazing!!! We waited behind the rock (raised stage area) with the other work ex people at Kneller Hall, and one of the trainee conductors for some other country waked passed and one of the boys said (a little to loudly!) ‘Why’s he dressed as Aladdin?!’.
Then when we got on the rock, there were so many people in the audience! We played and I just wiggled my fingers in some pieces as they were far too hard! Then in the finale there was fireworks going off over out heads! It was amazing, however I jumped so much first time that I almost dropped my flute!!!! Then we all had to stand up and play God Save the Queen. It was absolutley FANTASTIC!!!!
We didn’t get back that night until about 12, and we were up the next morning at 5.15!!!! This was day 4 and we went to London to look at the Wellington barracks and watch the changing of the Guards at Buckingham Palace. We got there at 10 and it wasn’t until 11.30! So we (the work ex people, Hailey, Oli, Rolly, Baz and the BM, I think!) went to St James’s Palace. We were followed by a weird man who was wearing a Gandalf outfit and then suddenly just ran off in bare feet! You do see some odd people in London! This was the result of our visit to the palace:
Then we watched the changing of the Guards and Hailey and the boys were playing guess the tune. I did feel quite silly as I hardly knew any of the pieces!
After that we went to Pizza Hut. All 13 of us! Then on the way out of London, when Baz was driving a taxi pulled out in front of the minibus and Baz shouted out ‘The fucking twat! Basterds in London!’. This was soo funny as they weren’t meant to swear in front of us and Hailey just turned around and said, ‘He said twit.’ Well, it made us giggle at the time, but I suppose you had to be there.
After that it was another 3-hour drive up to Lincolnshire. There we had a dorm for 20 people (2 rows of 5 bunk beds) for the three of us! We had some fun with the camera on timer!
And there Jenny couldn’t make her bed!!!
The next day was our last day *sad face* and we had a go at marching while playing our instruments!!! My lyre didn’t fit properly and kept on falling off (well that’s my excuse anyway!) and it was soooooooooooo hard! I kept on steeping out of time and on the wrong foot! And then everyone else stopped marching, and I carried on!!!! But it was a fun experience and it’s definitely something that I need to work on!
After that we all watched a passing out parade in which the band was playing. It was quite interesting really with all the ceremonial stuff that happens.
Then we had to go home which I was very sad about. I wanted to stay with them, especially as they were going to Belgium the week after!
And if you’ve read through all that you have far too much spare time. Either that or you’re avoiding doing something productive! (That was the reason for me writing it in the first place!!!)
So, Day 1… Jenny and I went to school and caught a train from Thurston to Stowmarket. Then we caught the train to Colchester. There was a weird Indian guy on the train that was singing to himself in Indian, and then started talking to me! He told me that his dad’s a pilot, London was expensive to live in and that we have a new PM called Gordon Brown (well unless I’ve been living in a hole, I think I would know that!)! He just wouldn’t stop talking! Then he asked for my name, so now I’m called Lucy Stokes! He wanted my number too, but I said no.
When we got to Colchester train station we said goodbye to the Indian guy (!) and then couldn’t figure out where we were meant to meet the Army people. We didn’t even know what they were going to be driving, whether they’d be inside the station or outside or what gender they’d be! So Jenny stood at the back entrance and I stood at the front. Jenny bumped into a boy with a trumpet (James, 15) and he was on work experience with us too!!!
I finally spotted someone outside in greens and asked them if they were for the work experience people and she said yes. She was called Hailey and was really nice and friendly. When Jenny and I got onto the minibus we met Ian aged 17, trombone, and Chris aged 20, French horn. We didn’t know at that point how long we would all spend in that little minibus!!!!
When we got to Colchester barracks we looked round the music block and it was amazing! I’ve never seen such good music facilities! IT WAS SOUND PROOFED!!!! But then we had the joys of a three hours drive down to Worthy Down, the other side of Twickenham!
Think this post may go on forever!!! So, day 2! We had a horrible greasy breakfast at Worthy Down and all said we weren’t eating there again, and then we had an hour and a half commute to Kneller Hall in Twickenham.
When we got to Kneller Hall the rehearsals had already started as we’d been held up slightly by traffic on the way. When Jenny and I got to the flute section of the band I heard ‘So who’s Joes niece?’. Took me a couple of seconds to realise that was me (they call Mick Joe for some peculiar reason)!!! Then I got sat at the front at 1st flute next to a nice man called Richard and a girl studying at Kneller, but the only thought running through my head was ‘OH SHIIIIIIITTTTT!!!! HOW AM I GOING TO PLAY THIS MUSIC!!!!!’. After calming down a bit I got talking to Richard and he was really nice. He gave me his flute case to put my flute case into for when it rained as we were outside on what’s known as the Rock. It’s really just a staggered stage. When it did rain, everyone ran for cover under trees so their instruments didn’t get wet, and the electric piano and percussion were covered in a big sheet!
Surprisingly enough, we stayed there for dinner, not eating at Worthy Down after the greasy breakfast! Then we had to travel back.
The next day we had a McDonalds breakfast! T’was good! Then it was on the Kneller Hall. There we had rehearsals again in the morning and then we had to wait and hope that the concert wouldn’t be rained off. While waiting we had a look around Kneller Hall itself. It wasn’t really much on the inside, but it was really grand on the outside. Then we went and watched the Rubycons audition for Rhythm Force II. Hailey was the basest and it was really good. They did some covers and then they sung there own song (I think that was the best one they did!), however we didn’t find out if they got the job or not.
Then there was the concert. It was the highlight of my whole week! It was amazing!!! We waited behind the rock (raised stage area) with the other work ex people at Kneller Hall, and one of the trainee conductors for some other country waked passed and one of the boys said (a little to loudly!) ‘Why’s he dressed as Aladdin?!’.
Then when we got on the rock, there were so many people in the audience! We played and I just wiggled my fingers in some pieces as they were far too hard! Then in the finale there was fireworks going off over out heads! It was amazing, however I jumped so much first time that I almost dropped my flute!!!! Then we all had to stand up and play God Save the Queen. It was absolutley FANTASTIC!!!!
We didn’t get back that night until about 12, and we were up the next morning at 5.15!!!! This was day 4 and we went to London to look at the Wellington barracks and watch the changing of the Guards at Buckingham Palace. We got there at 10 and it wasn’t until 11.30! So we (the work ex people, Hailey, Oli, Rolly, Baz and the BM, I think!) went to St James’s Palace. We were followed by a weird man who was wearing a Gandalf outfit and then suddenly just ran off in bare feet! You do see some odd people in London! This was the result of our visit to the palace:
Then we watched the changing of the Guards and Hailey and the boys were playing guess the tune. I did feel quite silly as I hardly knew any of the pieces!
After that we went to Pizza Hut. All 13 of us! Then on the way out of London, when Baz was driving a taxi pulled out in front of the minibus and Baz shouted out ‘The fucking twat! Basterds in London!’. This was soo funny as they weren’t meant to swear in front of us and Hailey just turned around and said, ‘He said twit.’ Well, it made us giggle at the time, but I suppose you had to be there.
After that it was another 3-hour drive up to Lincolnshire. There we had a dorm for 20 people (2 rows of 5 bunk beds) for the three of us! We had some fun with the camera on timer!
And there Jenny couldn’t make her bed!!!
The next day was our last day *sad face* and we had a go at marching while playing our instruments!!! My lyre didn’t fit properly and kept on falling off (well that’s my excuse anyway!) and it was soooooooooooo hard! I kept on steeping out of time and on the wrong foot! And then everyone else stopped marching, and I carried on!!!! But it was a fun experience and it’s definitely something that I need to work on!
After that we all watched a passing out parade in which the band was playing. It was quite interesting really with all the ceremonial stuff that happens.
Then we had to go home which I was very sad about. I wanted to stay with them, especially as they were going to Belgium the week after!
And if you’ve read through all that you have far too much spare time. Either that or you’re avoiding doing something productive! (That was the reason for me writing it in the first place!!!)
Wednesday, 27 June 2007
Saturday, 23 June 2007
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