Fed up of being alone.

I’m fed up of thinking that today will be the day that someone will come along and say they want me. Say that they want to hold me tight, protect me, kiss me. Each day I wake up thinking the same thing and it never happens. Then I come back home thinking it will be tomorrow. But it never is. I shouldn’t be so picky. I should ‘put myself on the market’. But I don’t know how. I’m always this happy girl who’s ‘not bothered’ by being alone. I’m fed up of being alone. What they don’t know is that every time I see a couple my heart hurts. Why can’t it be me? I get so jealous and I hate that. I just want to feel loved. There must be someone out there for me. There just has to be. I know I’m not that pretty and I’ll never be beautiful but people say that shouldn’t matter. Apparently even my weight shouldn’t matter, as other fat people are loved by someone. That just leaves my personality-insecure-immature-a masquerade. I just don’t know how to change. I put on this front trying to be ‘attractive’ and it doesn’t work. I don’t want to be alone like this forever or be with someone just because no one else will have me but I’m scared I might be.

2 hours worth of work amounts to...

Hitler and the Nazi State: Power and Control, 1933-39

Using the evidence if sources 1,2 and 3 and your own knowledge how popular was the nazi regime in Germany in the years 1933-39?

The Nazi regime was crap. Hitler was an ass. Nuff said.

I HATE YOU

I see you as a friend now. I know that's all you'll ever be. I know it will never go any further again. but

SOMETIMES I HATE YOU!!!!

(but i still love you)

I don't mean to. I hate the fact you don't know how i still feel about you. You don't realise that it breaks my heart when you tell me what 'she' wants to do with you. 'She's' not bad or anything but i know 'she' suits you better than i ever would. That's what kills me inside.

But sometimes (just sometimes), i like it that you tell me these things. It means you trust me. Then i still feel close to you. And i know that she doesn't like us talking. And i like how you complain about her to me.

Does that make me a bad person?

I just wish that you don't do what 'she' wants if you don't want it (and it sounds like you don't).

Please do what keeps you happy.

Please don't think i'm a bad person.

I hope you tell me more next time i see you. That way there's still something between us. 'She' wont like that.

...

I'm just about ready to give up.




I hate feeling like this.




Why is my smile so believable.

It's all started again and i don't know what to do.

ARGH!

I’m fed up with my mum! She has NO IDEA what’s it like to be me! I know I sound like a stupid, spoilt, over emotional teenager, but I don’t give a fuck! So, you’re doing A levels. NO YOU’RE NOT! You’re doing an access course, once a week, for 4 hours! And you get SOOOO much homework! You get less than me and more help and time to do it in! I know you have a house to run and a job, but so what! I have 6th from and a job and a family to please. You and Dad aren't exactly easy to live with. You don’t understand what 6th form’s like. YOU GO TO COLLEGE! It’s not EASY and I don’t just sit around in my study’s or practice music, contrary to what you think! I work my ass off all day every day and then I come home and do more! And still I’m behind! You don’t know how much I’m failing though. Of course, because I’m your perfect daughter. The only trouble you have with me is when I forget dates, or go out not even once a month for a drink with friends! Even then I have to be careful as I’m getting a drinking problem! You have no idea how easy you’ve got it with me. I don’t go out and get drunk, take drugs, have sex. I don’t get any male interest at all! I’m not as pretty as you were, or as slim. You were such an amazing beauty queen, bla bla bla! I stay in and do homework and be your precious little girl. Good little emma, doing everything anyone wants. I may as well just give up 6th form, but you don’t know that. NO! You still think I’m going to get good marks, because I ‘don’t believe in myself enough’. You ever though I have a reason for that!? I wont achieve because I’m not as clever as Dad or Alex. I’m STUPID! A stupid lonely looser!

But why?

I'm sure being asked out by someone should flatter me.
I'm meant to feel good about myself now.
'Someone likes me :)'

But I don't.
I feel horrid, like I was just being a spoilt, picky, selfish bitch saying no.
Why do I feel like this though!? It's not my fault I just don't fancy him.

Maybe I should be less picky and take whatever I can get.
It's not as if I'll ever get much.