History Coursework!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO HARD AND MY HEAD HURTS AND I'M TIRED BUT IT'S STILL NOT FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEY!!!

Just thought I'd mention the fact that I GOT MY GRADE 7 WITH A MERIT!!!!

Phew... hyperness over!

My Nanny thought that meant I'd got a A Level in music (she is a bit old now but I still love the silly things she says)

Te he!!!!

(PS very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very well done to Jelly with her's too!!!!!)

Ha! Caught you!

What you MEANT to be doing right now?! I'm sure you're not meant to be looking at blogs! I'm sure I'm not meant to be writing one. Whoops! (Te He am in a silly mood!!!!!)

Him. Again.

Feel very silly. I'm sitting on my bedroom floor (wasn't as sort as it looked and now have a sore bum) and i just watched the year 10 and 11 GCSE performance evenings and i was OK with the year 10 one, but felt a little empty inside as i miss it. Then in the year 11 one Amy sang 'Thoughts of You' and I'm now crying. I just can't stop thinking of him. I know it's stupid and that i sound so much like a bunny boiler, but i miss having him there with me every morning and every night on the bus, and i miss being able to feel him sitting next to me, and i miss not talking to him as much. I want it back. I still want him back, but i want to forget about him in that way. I don't know. My head's still a bit messed up. But i have given up thinking he'll ever want to get back with me, so maybe i should move on. Not that i want to but I'm fed up of wanting him like this. Argh! He annoys me!

Sam and his 'Grade 8'

Today on the buss was SOOO funny. We started to talk about music and I said I was going to take up tenor sax. Then later on I said I knew a girl called Helen who was grade 8 on flute and that was fantastic. Then this boy called Sam who now sits on the back of the buss (think he’s trying to take over Dean’s position as the dominant male!!) said he was grade 8 on sax but he gave up as he found it boring. I thought this was odd as if you found it boring you wouldn’t take it all the way to grade eight. But I gave him a chance. I asked what sort of music he liked playing and he said Jazz. Good answer. I then asked him what sort of sax he had played, meaning soprano, alto, tenor or bass. His response…Jazz saxophone! Now my lie detectors are tingling even more than they were before. So I asked him what make his sax was. I was very nice and gave him some options. I said Jupiter, Yamaha or Yansgette (like Yanagisawa but I thought I’d throw in a weird word to trick him, see if he really knew his stuff). He pondered for a second and then said his Granddads sax, the one he’d been taught on, was a Yansgette!!!! First…if he was sooooo good he’d have a sax of his own and second there’s no such thing!!! Hummm. Me thinks we have a little porky teller!!! I’m going to ask him more musical questions tomorrow to test his ‘musical knowledge’!!!

Too much now

I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Reading. Extra reading. Homework Coursework. Composition. Exam. Revision. Practice. Grade.

It never stops.

Smile. Smile. Smile.

If I don’t smile I get hassled as to why I’m not happy. Why I’m not getting involved with family activities. Why I’m not going out with my friends as much. Why I’m not myself.

Well if you really want to know! I can’t be a perfect daughter, perfect friend and perfect student all at the same time! I can’t be a perfect musician! I can’t be a perfect person! It’s just impossible. It’s not that I haven’t tried I just can’t. I’m sorry I’ve been so stressy recently. It’s not me being a stroppy teenager who needs controlling. I can’t help it. I want to stop. I tried to stop. It got too much. I failed at another thing. I don’t want to anymore.

I’ve got to get good grades so that I can make you proud. Let’s look at universities. Oh yes, that only has AAB grade 8 with piano skills entry requirements. I’ll get into that one easily. Ye right! I wont even pass my grade 7. That was just a waste of money. Another let down for you. Might as well just shrink into my shadow. Become nothing. Be nothing. I am nothing. I wont get anywhere. I’ll never be anyone.

I want to be me again. The one I was when I started 6th form. The one I was in year 11. I was happy. I was me. Take me back then. Not now. It’s all too much. It’s going too fast. I want it to slow down and let me back into my own life.

I hate the way I'll be feeling good about myself, about things, then my head will get all spazzed up again and flip. It's as if I have two different people inside of me. I can change any time. Mostly in the evenings. Being around people helps. Sitting at my desk, doing work non-stop doesn't. If I do it somewhere where others are I get distracted. If I give myself a break I get distracted. I hate it. I hate me.

Lack of talent

So I got my flute back and it’s good. I’m not. I can’t play now. It’s only about 2 weeks until my exam and I can’t go through my study with out stopping and my Aria just sounds like a load of long held notes with a few messed up twiddled bits between them. I can’t do my scales even though I’ve spent ages going up and down and up and down . They all sound a mess! I can't even remember the difference between doninant 7th and diminished 7ths. The concert music I can’t play. I’m meant to be in orchestra for fucks sack and I can’t do them. They probably let me in out of pitty. I’m meant to be helping Jenny with our shared piece on Monday and it’s a shambles. How am I meant to help her when I can't do it myself? How do I expect to get into uni doing music? What chance is there of me getting into the army? NONE. I’m just a stupid little girl who clings on to the dream that she’s got her Dad’s music talent. That all probably went to her brother as well.

Phew...

Whoo ...

...got the extention but have got to keep quiet about it otherwise Sir might get in trouble (honest this is keeping quiet. I don't hit the laptop keys THAT hard!!)
Oh and have given up with lent. It's impossible.