Wednesday 12 December 2007
ARGH!
I’m fed up with my mum! She has NO IDEA what’s it like to be me! I know I sound like a stupid, spoilt, over emotional teenager, but I don’t give a fuck! So, you’re doing A levels. NO YOU’RE NOT! You’re doing an access course, once a week, for 4 hours! And you get SOOOO much homework! You get less than me and more help and time to do it in! I know you have a house to run and a job, but so what! I have 6th from and a job and a family to please. You and Dad aren't exactly easy to live with. You don’t understand what 6th form’s like. YOU GO TO COLLEGE! It’s not EASY and I don’t just sit around in my study’s or practice music, contrary to what you think! I work my ass off all day every day and then I come home and do more! And still I’m behind! You don’t know how much I’m failing though. Of course, because I’m your perfect daughter. The only trouble you have with me is when I forget dates, or go out not even once a month for a drink with friends! Even then I have to be careful as I’m getting a drinking problem! You have no idea how easy you’ve got it with me. I don’t go out and get drunk, take drugs, have sex. I don’t get any male interest at all! I’m not as pretty as you were, or as slim. You were such an amazing beauty queen, bla bla bla! I stay in and do homework and be your precious little girl. Good little emma, doing everything anyone wants. I may as well just give up 6th form, but you don’t know that. NO! You still think I’m going to get good marks, because I ‘don’t believe in myself enough’. You ever though I have a reason for that!? I wont achieve because I’m not as clever as Dad or Alex. I’m STUPID! A stupid lonely looser!
Monday 10 December 2007
But why?
I'm sure being asked out by someone should flatter me.
I'm meant to feel good about myself now.
'Someone likes me :)'
But I don't.
I feel horrid, like I was just being a spoilt, picky, selfish bitch saying no.
Why do I feel like this though!? It's not my fault I just don't fancy him.
Maybe I should be less picky and take whatever I can get.
It's not as if I'll ever get much.
I'm meant to feel good about myself now.
'Someone likes me :)'
But I don't.
I feel horrid, like I was just being a spoilt, picky, selfish bitch saying no.
Why do I feel like this though!? It's not my fault I just don't fancy him.
Maybe I should be less picky and take whatever I can get.
It's not as if I'll ever get much.
Saturday 1 December 2007
Sunday 25 November 2007
Wednesday 31 October 2007
Monday 24 September 2007
Uni
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go to uni. I really don’t. The thought of moving away to somewhere that I don’t know anyone and anything could happen scares me. There would be all that debt and I would still fail the course. I want to join the army. I’d have rules to follow and there’s safety and I wouldn’t go to war as I would just be a musician and they don’t. But stupid wrists and joints mean I might not be able to. Stupid me. Why get my hopes up. When I told mum about the problem with getting in because of my joints she couldn’t hide her happiness. She tried, but it was so obvious. So I’d make her happy until I fail there. Dad would be ‘happy whatever I do’ and all that rubbish that parents come out with. ARHH! Why do I have to be so stupid. I had a chance with the army. You don’t have to be that clever to join. I just had to pass the audition. There was a little chance I could do it. You have to be clever to go to uni. I might just scrape to get through to get in, but I wont be about to cope with the work load and the pressure. I’m so scared about it. Unbelievably scared.
I’m now sitting here looking at uni prospectuses and websites and most of the open days have already happened. I should have looked earlier, but I didn’t want to. I was putting it off. The next open day for one I want to look at is in two weeks and Nat wants to book it off work too. I don’t know if we’d both be able to. I just don’t know what to do.
I’m now sitting here looking at uni prospectuses and websites and most of the open days have already happened. I should have looked earlier, but I didn’t want to. I was putting it off. The next open day for one I want to look at is in two weeks and Nat wants to book it off work too. I don’t know if we’d both be able to. I just don’t know what to do.
Thursday 26 July 2007
I Owe My Mum.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25.My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25.My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Thursday 12 July 2007
Army work experience!!!!
I’m going to write about my work experience with the Band of the Parachute Regiment form the 2nd to the 6th July, which I went on with Jelly! It was AMAZING!!!
So, Day 1… Jenny and I went to school and caught a train from Thurston to Stowmarket. Then we caught the train to Colchester. There was a weird Indian guy on the train that was singing to himself in Indian, and then started talking to me! He told me that his dad’s a pilot, London was expensive to live in and that we have a new PM called Gordon Brown (well unless I’ve been living in a hole, I think I would know that!)! He just wouldn’t stop talking! Then he asked for my name, so now I’m called Lucy Stokes! He wanted my number too, but I said no.
When we got to Colchester train station we said goodbye to the Indian guy (!) and then couldn’t figure out where we were meant to meet the Army people. We didn’t even know what they were going to be driving, whether they’d be inside the station or outside or what gender they’d be! So Jenny stood at the back entrance and I stood at the front. Jenny bumped into a boy with a trumpet (James, 15) and he was on work experience with us too!!!
I finally spotted someone outside in greens and asked them if they were for the work experience people and she said yes. She was called Hailey and was really nice and friendly. When Jenny and I got onto the minibus we met Ian aged 17, trombone, and Chris aged 20, French horn. We didn’t know at that point how long we would all spend in that little minibus!!!!
When we got to Colchester barracks we looked round the music block and it was amazing! I’ve never seen such good music facilities! IT WAS SOUND PROOFED!!!! But then we had the joys of a three hours drive down to Worthy Down, the other side of Twickenham!
Think this post may go on forever!!! So, day 2! We had a horrible greasy breakfast at Worthy Down and all said we weren’t eating there again, and then we had an hour and a half commute to Kneller Hall in Twickenham.
When we got to Kneller Hall the rehearsals had already started as we’d been held up slightly by traffic on the way. When Jenny and I got to the flute section of the band I heard ‘So who’s Joes niece?’. Took me a couple of seconds to realise that was me (they call Mick Joe for some peculiar reason)!!! Then I got sat at the front at 1st flute next to a nice man called Richard and a girl studying at Kneller, but the only thought running through my head was ‘OH SHIIIIIIITTTTT!!!! HOW AM I GOING TO PLAY THIS MUSIC!!!!!’. After calming down a bit I got talking to Richard and he was really nice. He gave me his flute case to put my flute case into for when it rained as we were outside on what’s known as the Rock. It’s really just a staggered stage. When it did rain, everyone ran for cover under trees so their instruments didn’t get wet, and the electric piano and percussion were covered in a big sheet!
Surprisingly enough, we stayed there for dinner, not eating at Worthy Down after the greasy breakfast! Then we had to travel back.
The next day we had a McDonalds breakfast! T’was good! Then it was on the Kneller Hall. There we had rehearsals again in the morning and then we had to wait and hope that the concert wouldn’t be rained off. While waiting we had a look around Kneller Hall itself. It wasn’t really much on the inside, but it was really grand on the outside. Then we went and watched the Rubycons audition for Rhythm Force II. Hailey was the basest and it was really good. They did some covers and then they sung there own song (I think that was the best one they did!), however we didn’t find out if they got the job or not.
Then there was the concert. It was the highlight of my whole week! It was amazing!!! We waited behind the rock (raised stage area) with the other work ex people at Kneller Hall, and one of the trainee conductors for some other country waked passed and one of the boys said (a little to loudly!) ‘Why’s he dressed as Aladdin?!’.
Then when we got on the rock, there were so many people in the audience! We played and I just wiggled my fingers in some pieces as they were far too hard! Then in the finale there was fireworks going off over out heads! It was amazing, however I jumped so much first time that I almost dropped my flute!!!! Then we all had to stand up and play God Save the Queen. It was absolutley FANTASTIC!!!!
We didn’t get back that night until about 12, and we were up the next morning at 5.15!!!! This was day 4 and we went to London to look at the Wellington barracks and watch the changing of the Guards at Buckingham Palace. We got there at 10 and it wasn’t until 11.30! So we (the work ex people, Hailey, Oli, Rolly, Baz and the BM, I think!) went to St James’s Palace. We were followed by a weird man who was wearing a Gandalf outfit and then suddenly just ran off in bare feet! You do see some odd people in London! This was the result of our visit to the palace:
Then we watched the changing of the Guards and Hailey and the boys were playing guess the tune. I did feel quite silly as I hardly knew any of the pieces!
After that we went to Pizza Hut. All 13 of us! Then on the way out of London, when Baz was driving a taxi pulled out in front of the minibus and Baz shouted out ‘The fucking twat! Basterds in London!’. This was soo funny as they weren’t meant to swear in front of us and Hailey just turned around and said, ‘He said twit.’ Well, it made us giggle at the time, but I suppose you had to be there.
After that it was another 3-hour drive up to Lincolnshire. There we had a dorm for 20 people (2 rows of 5 bunk beds) for the three of us! We had some fun with the camera on timer!
And there Jenny couldn’t make her bed!!!
The next day was our last day *sad face* and we had a go at marching while playing our instruments!!! My lyre didn’t fit properly and kept on falling off (well that’s my excuse anyway!) and it was soooooooooooo hard! I kept on steeping out of time and on the wrong foot! And then everyone else stopped marching, and I carried on!!!! But it was a fun experience and it’s definitely something that I need to work on!
After that we all watched a passing out parade in which the band was playing. It was quite interesting really with all the ceremonial stuff that happens.
Then we had to go home which I was very sad about. I wanted to stay with them, especially as they were going to Belgium the week after!
And if you’ve read through all that you have far too much spare time. Either that or you’re avoiding doing something productive! (That was the reason for me writing it in the first place!!!)
So, Day 1… Jenny and I went to school and caught a train from Thurston to Stowmarket. Then we caught the train to Colchester. There was a weird Indian guy on the train that was singing to himself in Indian, and then started talking to me! He told me that his dad’s a pilot, London was expensive to live in and that we have a new PM called Gordon Brown (well unless I’ve been living in a hole, I think I would know that!)! He just wouldn’t stop talking! Then he asked for my name, so now I’m called Lucy Stokes! He wanted my number too, but I said no.
When we got to Colchester train station we said goodbye to the Indian guy (!) and then couldn’t figure out where we were meant to meet the Army people. We didn’t even know what they were going to be driving, whether they’d be inside the station or outside or what gender they’d be! So Jenny stood at the back entrance and I stood at the front. Jenny bumped into a boy with a trumpet (James, 15) and he was on work experience with us too!!!
I finally spotted someone outside in greens and asked them if they were for the work experience people and she said yes. She was called Hailey and was really nice and friendly. When Jenny and I got onto the minibus we met Ian aged 17, trombone, and Chris aged 20, French horn. We didn’t know at that point how long we would all spend in that little minibus!!!!
When we got to Colchester barracks we looked round the music block and it was amazing! I’ve never seen such good music facilities! IT WAS SOUND PROOFED!!!! But then we had the joys of a three hours drive down to Worthy Down, the other side of Twickenham!
Think this post may go on forever!!! So, day 2! We had a horrible greasy breakfast at Worthy Down and all said we weren’t eating there again, and then we had an hour and a half commute to Kneller Hall in Twickenham.
When we got to Kneller Hall the rehearsals had already started as we’d been held up slightly by traffic on the way. When Jenny and I got to the flute section of the band I heard ‘So who’s Joes niece?’. Took me a couple of seconds to realise that was me (they call Mick Joe for some peculiar reason)!!! Then I got sat at the front at 1st flute next to a nice man called Richard and a girl studying at Kneller, but the only thought running through my head was ‘OH SHIIIIIIITTTTT!!!! HOW AM I GOING TO PLAY THIS MUSIC!!!!!’. After calming down a bit I got talking to Richard and he was really nice. He gave me his flute case to put my flute case into for when it rained as we were outside on what’s known as the Rock. It’s really just a staggered stage. When it did rain, everyone ran for cover under trees so their instruments didn’t get wet, and the electric piano and percussion were covered in a big sheet!
Surprisingly enough, we stayed there for dinner, not eating at Worthy Down after the greasy breakfast! Then we had to travel back.
The next day we had a McDonalds breakfast! T’was good! Then it was on the Kneller Hall. There we had rehearsals again in the morning and then we had to wait and hope that the concert wouldn’t be rained off. While waiting we had a look around Kneller Hall itself. It wasn’t really much on the inside, but it was really grand on the outside. Then we went and watched the Rubycons audition for Rhythm Force II. Hailey was the basest and it was really good. They did some covers and then they sung there own song (I think that was the best one they did!), however we didn’t find out if they got the job or not.
Then there was the concert. It was the highlight of my whole week! It was amazing!!! We waited behind the rock (raised stage area) with the other work ex people at Kneller Hall, and one of the trainee conductors for some other country waked passed and one of the boys said (a little to loudly!) ‘Why’s he dressed as Aladdin?!’.
Then when we got on the rock, there were so many people in the audience! We played and I just wiggled my fingers in some pieces as they were far too hard! Then in the finale there was fireworks going off over out heads! It was amazing, however I jumped so much first time that I almost dropped my flute!!!! Then we all had to stand up and play God Save the Queen. It was absolutley FANTASTIC!!!!
We didn’t get back that night until about 12, and we were up the next morning at 5.15!!!! This was day 4 and we went to London to look at the Wellington barracks and watch the changing of the Guards at Buckingham Palace. We got there at 10 and it wasn’t until 11.30! So we (the work ex people, Hailey, Oli, Rolly, Baz and the BM, I think!) went to St James’s Palace. We were followed by a weird man who was wearing a Gandalf outfit and then suddenly just ran off in bare feet! You do see some odd people in London! This was the result of our visit to the palace:
Then we watched the changing of the Guards and Hailey and the boys were playing guess the tune. I did feel quite silly as I hardly knew any of the pieces!
After that we went to Pizza Hut. All 13 of us! Then on the way out of London, when Baz was driving a taxi pulled out in front of the minibus and Baz shouted out ‘The fucking twat! Basterds in London!’. This was soo funny as they weren’t meant to swear in front of us and Hailey just turned around and said, ‘He said twit.’ Well, it made us giggle at the time, but I suppose you had to be there.
After that it was another 3-hour drive up to Lincolnshire. There we had a dorm for 20 people (2 rows of 5 bunk beds) for the three of us! We had some fun with the camera on timer!
And there Jenny couldn’t make her bed!!!
The next day was our last day *sad face* and we had a go at marching while playing our instruments!!! My lyre didn’t fit properly and kept on falling off (well that’s my excuse anyway!) and it was soooooooooooo hard! I kept on steeping out of time and on the wrong foot! And then everyone else stopped marching, and I carried on!!!! But it was a fun experience and it’s definitely something that I need to work on!
After that we all watched a passing out parade in which the band was playing. It was quite interesting really with all the ceremonial stuff that happens.
Then we had to go home which I was very sad about. I wanted to stay with them, especially as they were going to Belgium the week after!
And if you’ve read through all that you have far too much spare time. Either that or you’re avoiding doing something productive! (That was the reason for me writing it in the first place!!!)
Wednesday 27 June 2007
Saturday 23 June 2007
Thursday 21 June 2007
Prefect-Yet another thing I failed at.
I feel so stupid! Why did I think I could have been a prefect? I should have known that dreams never come true. I could never be someone who is responsible and grown up enough to get to be one! Why did I even bother helping out at that parents evening! And why did I think Brownies was enough to say I could do it! AHHHHH I’M SO STUPID!!! I want to be one. I sound so pathetic! Why am I getting so worked up about it! It’s only a stupid name. AHHH! Those people who got it do deserve it. They’re all brainy and popular and everyone likes them, but just a small part of me thought that I might deserve it too. This is just another failure to add to the ever-growing list.
Monday 11 June 2007
Letting go of that girl before.
I feel like me again.
I like it.
I’m happy and smiling and feel like I deserve to have friends.
I’m positive.
I’m a daughter again.
A friend again.
I’m almost all me again, but I know that I could change into her again. She’s stored herself at the back of my mind so that I can never be free of her.
I don’t want to be her again.
That girl who was lonely.
Hated herself.
Despised her own reflection.
Put up walls so that no one could see within, just so that no one else would feel like she did, but just making things worse for herself.
That girl who felt trapped in her own head. The jumble of thoughts, emotions, work.
That girl who thought she had control…but really it was controlling her, what she was, what she whore, what she said, thought and did.
I don’t want to be her again.
New start. New outlook. Out with the old and in with the new.
But some old things you can never let go of. Or they just never let go of you.
I like it.
I’m happy and smiling and feel like I deserve to have friends.
I’m positive.
I’m a daughter again.
A friend again.
I’m almost all me again, but I know that I could change into her again. She’s stored herself at the back of my mind so that I can never be free of her.
I don’t want to be her again.
That girl who was lonely.
Hated herself.
Despised her own reflection.
Put up walls so that no one could see within, just so that no one else would feel like she did, but just making things worse for herself.
That girl who felt trapped in her own head. The jumble of thoughts, emotions, work.
That girl who thought she had control…but really it was controlling her, what she was, what she whore, what she said, thought and did.
I don’t want to be her again.
New start. New outlook. Out with the old and in with the new.
But some old things you can never let go of. Or they just never let go of you.
Wednesday 6 June 2007
NO MORE EXAMS!!!!
YEY EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!
I'm happy!
And silly-I just got superglue stuck to my fingers and can't get it off. But oh well, EXAMS ARE OVER!!!
I'm happy!
And silly-I just got superglue stuck to my fingers and can't get it off. But oh well, EXAMS ARE OVER!!!
Friday 1 June 2007
Friends
Just thought I'd say I have two AMAZING best friends! Thank you so much for inviting me out to the meal tonight Jenny, I think it was exactly what we all needed. Thank you both so much for being there for me and making me laugh when I need to most. I hope that you both know I'm there for you too if you ever need it. 
Thursday 31 May 2007
Saturday 26 May 2007
Stress
STRESS - When the body can no longer fight the urge to choke the living shit out of some asshole who really deserves it.
Thursday 24 May 2007
Out of time
ARGH!!!!!! You're such a stupid fucking idiot! Why are you being so lazy!? What have you done tonight!? You've sat, played on the laptop, watched TV and eaten ice cream. YOU HAVE AN EXAM TOMORROW MORNING!!!!! Why have you not put your head in a book and revised! You're not exactly clever. You wont pass by blagging your way through. YOU WONT PASS! You're going to fail. You're going to end up being a stupid, fat disappointment all your life!
Wednesday 23 May 2007
The Penis
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labour.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
The Penis
_____________________________________
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have risen, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work eight hours straight.
2. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative.
6. You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
7. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
8. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
9. You will retire well before you are 65.
10. You are unable to work double shifts.
11. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
12. And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely
Management
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labour.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
The Penis
_____________________________________
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have risen, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work eight hours straight.
2. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative.
6. You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
7. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
8. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
9. You will retire well before you are 65.
10. You are unable to work double shifts.
11. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
12. And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely
Management
Sunday 20 May 2007
Saturday 19 May 2007
Alex
I'm worried. My brother just came in and hugged me for no apparent reason. He came up stairs just to hug me. VERY worried!
Thursday 17 May 2007
Mrs Quasimodo
‘Because it’s better, isn’t it, to be well formed.
Better to be slim, be slight,
your slender neck quoted between two thumbs;
and beautiful, with creamy skin,
and tumbling auburn hair,
those devastating eyes;
and have each lovely foot
held in a bigger hand
and kissed;
then be watched till morning as you sleep,
so perfect, venerable and young
you hurt his blood.
And given sanctuary.
But not betrayed.
Not driven to an ecstasy of loathing of yourself;
banging your ugly head against a wall,
gaping in the mirror at your heavy dugs,
your thighs of lard,
your mottled upper arms;
thumping your belly-
look at it-
your wobbling gut.
You pig. You stupid cow. You fucking buffalo.
Abortion. Cripple. Spastic. Mongol. Ape’
Better to be slim, be slight,
your slender neck quoted between two thumbs;
and beautiful, with creamy skin,
and tumbling auburn hair,
those devastating eyes;
and have each lovely foot
held in a bigger hand
and kissed;
then be watched till morning as you sleep,
so perfect, venerable and young
you hurt his blood.
And given sanctuary.
But not betrayed.
Not driven to an ecstasy of loathing of yourself;
banging your ugly head against a wall,
gaping in the mirror at your heavy dugs,
your thighs of lard,
your mottled upper arms;
thumping your belly-
look at it-
your wobbling gut.
You pig. You stupid cow. You fucking buffalo.
Abortion. Cripple. Spastic. Mongol. Ape’
Sunday 13 May 2007
Dear God
I want to thank you, thank you for every thing, and ask you to help.
I want to thank you for the life you’ve given me and the family and friends you’ve blessed me with. There are so many problems with the world, yet you still manage to bring happiness to me. Thank you.
Please help those who need it, even if they don’t believe in you. That you for Jenny, but help her know that you are there for her. Let her know her past will stay in her past, that she should live for the day, as ever day is a new beginning. Let her know how intelligent she is and understand and use the qualities you have given her.
Thank you for giving me Amy as my friend. She is amazing, talented, beautiful and so clever. Help her with 6th form and help continue her love of music as she’s so talented at it.
I know I don’t see her that much any more, but please be with Hannah. I think she needs your guidance through 6th form, to avoid those who will distract her from what she is mentally able to do. Please keep her safe.
I ask that you help Dean. He is a wonderful person who seems to have always been dealt the wrong cards in life. I know he’s not perfect, but let his kindness be rewarded.
I know I don’t realty know her, but can you help Kristy through her cancer. What I know of her is that she is so caring and feels alone and afraid at the moment. Please be with her.
Thank you for my family, for my Mum who, although she doesn’t understand, still cares tremendously for me, for my Dad, who I know will always do the best for me, for my brother who I hope I’m making a good impression on, for y grandparents, who I know are not getting younger and are now showing signs of old age, but I would like you to keep them safe for me. Thank you for all of them.
And I’d like some help. I can’t handle it all any more. Please be with me. I don’t want to be with you. Not yet.
Amen
I want to thank you for the life you’ve given me and the family and friends you’ve blessed me with. There are so many problems with the world, yet you still manage to bring happiness to me. Thank you.
Please help those who need it, even if they don’t believe in you. That you for Jenny, but help her know that you are there for her. Let her know her past will stay in her past, that she should live for the day, as ever day is a new beginning. Let her know how intelligent she is and understand and use the qualities you have given her.
Thank you for giving me Amy as my friend. She is amazing, talented, beautiful and so clever. Help her with 6th form and help continue her love of music as she’s so talented at it.
I know I don’t see her that much any more, but please be with Hannah. I think she needs your guidance through 6th form, to avoid those who will distract her from what she is mentally able to do. Please keep her safe.
I ask that you help Dean. He is a wonderful person who seems to have always been dealt the wrong cards in life. I know he’s not perfect, but let his kindness be rewarded.
I know I don’t realty know her, but can you help Kristy through her cancer. What I know of her is that she is so caring and feels alone and afraid at the moment. Please be with her.
Thank you for my family, for my Mum who, although she doesn’t understand, still cares tremendously for me, for my Dad, who I know will always do the best for me, for my brother who I hope I’m making a good impression on, for y grandparents, who I know are not getting younger and are now showing signs of old age, but I would like you to keep them safe for me. Thank you for all of them.
And I’d like some help. I can’t handle it all any more. Please be with me. I don’t want to be with you. Not yet.
Amen
Friday 11 May 2007
Idiot.
Today on the whole has been shit. I’ve just wanted to curl up and cry. I did cry. It started with my Mum this morning telling me she’s disappointed in me for going out and getting only a little bit drunk at a RCP. COME ON MUM!!! I’m almost 17 and that was the first time! She told me I’m a binge drinker as I had some alcohol at the last RCP too. She wouldn’t cope with a proper teenager.
Then at school I got a C in Music. I know that sounds pathetic, but it’s the only thing (allegedly) that I can do. I want to get an A in it, as it’s the only one I have any chance in passing.
Then I had History, which went so badly. I didn’t feel that bad at the beginning of the lesson and normally enjoy Russia, but we were going over a question I couldn’t do. They went over it as a class making all these clever links and stuff and showing all this brilliant knowledge and understanding and I felt so stupid because I didn’t understand it. Then we had to do a timed essay question on our own and I couldn’t do it. I sound pathetic and stupid now. I just sat and read the sources and had no idea and someone made a comment and then they all went on another big conversation about stuff and I didn’t understand. I spent the last part of the lesson trying to stop shaking and not to cry. I think the teacher knew something was wrong as at the end of the lesson I asked her if she knew where Jenny was and she said she didn’t, but asked it I was ok and could I handle ‘helping’ Jenny. If only she knew it’s the other way round. I couldn’t help it. I started to cry so just left the room saying I was ok.
I wanted to go on a walk but I could see Mr Williams and Nat and Shell walking up to 6th form. When I went to put my bag in the room with everyone else I realised I had to ask Miss if she knew what time I had to see Mr Allison so had to face her again.
When I walked in and asked she said she wanted to talk with me. I told that it’s just stress of the work. It wasn’t a complete. I just looked like a fucking idiot and cried in front of her. A stupid, ugly, fucking pathetic idiot.
Then I had to walk back into the room with all my friends and go and see Mr Allison for some extra help with the Liberal course. They all pointed out the fact that my eyes were red and I’d been crying. Thanks. I really didn’t want to go and study more in my lunch break, but I knew I had to. I’m going to fail Liberals too. Why can’t a teacher do the job she’s supposed to do and fucking teach us! It’s not hard, but now there’s no chance I’ll pass the exam. They probably wont even let me back into 6th from next year.
Then I had English which was a waist of time and after that I went and had some extra help for Miss Lewis. I still feel stupid though as she led me to all the answers.
After school was orchestra. I didn’t want to go. I couldn’t play the pieces and one on the pieces made me get that stupid shivery feeling that Dean always gave me. Stupid feelings.
Then at school I got a C in Music. I know that sounds pathetic, but it’s the only thing (allegedly) that I can do. I want to get an A in it, as it’s the only one I have any chance in passing.
Then I had History, which went so badly. I didn’t feel that bad at the beginning of the lesson and normally enjoy Russia, but we were going over a question I couldn’t do. They went over it as a class making all these clever links and stuff and showing all this brilliant knowledge and understanding and I felt so stupid because I didn’t understand it. Then we had to do a timed essay question on our own and I couldn’t do it. I sound pathetic and stupid now. I just sat and read the sources and had no idea and someone made a comment and then they all went on another big conversation about stuff and I didn’t understand. I spent the last part of the lesson trying to stop shaking and not to cry. I think the teacher knew something was wrong as at the end of the lesson I asked her if she knew where Jenny was and she said she didn’t, but asked it I was ok and could I handle ‘helping’ Jenny. If only she knew it’s the other way round. I couldn’t help it. I started to cry so just left the room saying I was ok.
I wanted to go on a walk but I could see Mr Williams and Nat and Shell walking up to 6th form. When I went to put my bag in the room with everyone else I realised I had to ask Miss if she knew what time I had to see Mr Allison so had to face her again.
When I walked in and asked she said she wanted to talk with me. I told that it’s just stress of the work. It wasn’t a complete. I just looked like a fucking idiot and cried in front of her. A stupid, ugly, fucking pathetic idiot.
Then I had to walk back into the room with all my friends and go and see Mr Allison for some extra help with the Liberal course. They all pointed out the fact that my eyes were red and I’d been crying. Thanks. I really didn’t want to go and study more in my lunch break, but I knew I had to. I’m going to fail Liberals too. Why can’t a teacher do the job she’s supposed to do and fucking teach us! It’s not hard, but now there’s no chance I’ll pass the exam. They probably wont even let me back into 6th from next year.
Then I had English which was a waist of time and after that I went and had some extra help for Miss Lewis. I still feel stupid though as she led me to all the answers.
After school was orchestra. I didn’t want to go. I couldn’t play the pieces and one on the pieces made me get that stupid shivery feeling that Dean always gave me. Stupid feelings.
Monday 7 May 2007
Never a quiet moment in our house!!
I just got mum running into my room saying (well, practically yelling) that she was off to hospital. Ian cut his hand/wrist open. When I got downstairs he was on the floor, looking very pale and blood coming out from his wrist! Did offer my first aid advise but it wasn't taken! They've just wrapped a tea towel round it. Then I had to clear the blood off the floor!
UPDATE!!!
Just had a call from Mum at the hospital. At the moment they think he's severed a tendon in his wrist. But he's at x-rays at the mo, and will probably have to have surgery! All this because he was trying to put the glass back into the greenhouse!
SECOND UPDATE
Ian's back from hospital. He's going to have to go to a plastic surgeon tomorrow as he's lost the feeling in his little finger and part of another finger. NOT GOOD! He's going to be off work for a while too.
UPDATE!!!
Just had a call from Mum at the hospital. At the moment they think he's severed a tendon in his wrist. But he's at x-rays at the mo, and will probably have to have surgery! All this because he was trying to put the glass back into the greenhouse!
SECOND UPDATE
Ian's back from hospital. He's going to have to go to a plastic surgeon tomorrow as he's lost the feeling in his little finger and part of another finger. NOT GOOD! He's going to be off work for a while too.
Thursday 3 May 2007
Wednesday 25 April 2007
Wednesday 18 April 2007
Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy, WHHOOOO!!!
I'm surprisingly happy for having been sitting here on my laptop doing biology coursework for the past 4 hours!!!
I think there's something wrong with my brain-It's still working!!!!!
And I'm happy, happy, happy, happy, WHHOOOO!!!
Something definitely wrong with my brain.
Either that or I'm really looking forward to the rugby club party tomorrow!!!!
I think that might be it!!
YEYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Need to calm down before i go to bed.
(...WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
(think i may have got a little carried away with the smilies!!!)
I think there's something wrong with my brain-It's still working!!!!!
And I'm happy, happy, happy, happy, WHHOOOO!!!
Something definitely wrong with my brain.
Either that or I'm really looking forward to the rugby club party tomorrow!!!!
I think that might be it!!
YEYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Need to calm down before i go to bed.
(...WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
(think i may have got a little carried away with the smilies!!!)
Tuesday 17 April 2007
Biology!
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My whole fucking coursework rests on me doing one stupid little calibration graph and I can’t do it! How am I meant to do the comparisons and accuracy and other stupid stuff like that when I don’t have the graph to compare with. ARGH!!!!!!!
Monday 9 April 2007
Unanswerable Questions
My mum sent me these and they made me giggle!
-Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
-Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
-Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
-Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
-Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
-Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
-Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
-If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
-Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
-Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
-Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
-Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
-How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
-When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
-Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
-In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
-Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
-Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
-Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
-Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
-Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
-Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
-Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
-If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
-Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
-Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
-Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
-Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
-How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
-When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
-Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
-In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Thursday 29 March 2007
History Coursework!
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO HARD AND MY HEAD HURTS AND I'M TIRED BUT IT'S STILL NOT FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO HARD AND MY HEAD HURTS AND I'M TIRED BUT IT'S STILL NOT FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday 28 March 2007
YEY!!!
Just thought I'd mention the fact that I GOT MY GRADE 7 WITH A MERIT!!!!
Phew... hyperness over!
My Nanny thought that meant I'd got a A Level in music (she is a bit old now but I still love the silly things she says)
Te he!!!!
(PS very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very well done to Jelly with her's too!!!!!)
Phew... hyperness over!
My Nanny thought that meant I'd got a A Level in music (she is a bit old now but I still love the silly things she says)
Te he!!!!
(PS very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very well done to Jelly with her's too!!!!!)
Sunday 25 March 2007
Ha! Caught you!
What you MEANT to be doing right now?! I'm sure you're not meant to be looking at blogs! I'm sure I'm not meant to be writing one. Whoops! (Te He am in a silly mood!!!!!)
Tuesday 20 March 2007
Him. Again.
Feel very silly. I'm sitting on my bedroom floor (wasn't as sort as it looked and now have a sore bum) and i just watched the year 10 and 11 GCSE performance evenings and i was OK with the year 10 one, but felt a little empty inside as i miss it. Then in the year 11 one Amy sang 'Thoughts of You' and I'm now crying. I just can't stop thinking of him. I know it's stupid and that i sound so much like a bunny boiler, but i miss having him there with me every morning and every night on the bus, and i miss being able to feel him sitting next to me, and i miss not talking to him as much. I want it back. I still want him back, but i want to forget about him in that way. I don't know. My head's still a bit messed up. But i have given up thinking he'll ever want to get back with me, so maybe i should move on. Not that i want to but I'm fed up of wanting him like this. Argh! He annoys me!
Wednesday 7 March 2007
Sam and his 'Grade 8'
Today on the buss was SOOO funny. We started to talk about music and I said I was going to take up tenor sax. Then later on I said I knew a girl called Helen who was grade 8 on flute and that was fantastic. Then this boy called Sam who now sits on the back of the buss (think he’s trying to take over Dean’s position as the dominant male!!) said he was grade 8 on sax but he gave up as he found it boring. I thought this was odd as if you found it boring you wouldn’t take it all the way to grade eight. But I gave him a chance. I asked what sort of music he liked playing and he said Jazz. Good answer. I then asked him what sort of sax he had played, meaning soprano, alto, tenor or bass. His response…Jazz saxophone! Now my lie detectors are tingling even more than they were before. So I asked him what make his sax was. I was very nice and gave him some options. I said Jupiter, Yamaha or Yansgette (like Yanagisawa but I thought I’d throw in a weird word to trick him, see if he really knew his stuff). He pondered for a second and then said his Granddads sax, the one he’d been taught on, was a Yansgette!!!! First…if he was sooooo good he’d have a sax of his own and second there’s no such thing!!! Hummm. Me thinks we have a little porky teller!!! I’m going to ask him more musical questions tomorrow to test his ‘musical knowledge’!!!
Sunday 4 March 2007
Too much now
I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
Reading. Extra reading. Homework Coursework. Composition. Exam. Revision. Practice. Grade.
It never stops.
Smile. Smile. Smile.
If I don’t smile I get hassled as to why I’m not happy. Why I’m not getting involved with family activities. Why I’m not going out with my friends as much. Why I’m not myself.
Well if you really want to know! I can’t be a perfect daughter, perfect friend and perfect student all at the same time! I can’t be a perfect musician! I can’t be a perfect person! It’s just impossible. It’s not that I haven’t tried I just can’t. I’m sorry I’ve been so stressy recently. It’s not me being a stroppy teenager who needs controlling. I can’t help it. I want to stop. I tried to stop. It got too much. I failed at another thing. I don’t want to anymore.
I’ve got to get good grades so that I can make you proud. Let’s look at universities. Oh yes, that only has AAB grade 8 with piano skills entry requirements. I’ll get into that one easily. Ye right! I wont even pass my grade 7. That was just a waste of money. Another let down for you. Might as well just shrink into my shadow. Become nothing. Be nothing. I am nothing. I wont get anywhere. I’ll never be anyone.
I want to be me again. The one I was when I started 6th form. The one I was in year 11. I was happy. I was me. Take me back then. Not now. It’s all too much. It’s going too fast. I want it to slow down and let me back into my own life.
I hate the way I'll be feeling good about myself, about things, then my head will get all spazzed up again and flip. It's as if I have two different people inside of me. I can change any time. Mostly in the evenings. Being around people helps. Sitting at my desk, doing work non-stop doesn't. If I do it somewhere where others are I get distracted. If I give myself a break I get distracted. I hate it. I hate me.
Reading. Extra reading. Homework Coursework. Composition. Exam. Revision. Practice. Grade.
It never stops.
Smile. Smile. Smile.
If I don’t smile I get hassled as to why I’m not happy. Why I’m not getting involved with family activities. Why I’m not going out with my friends as much. Why I’m not myself.
Well if you really want to know! I can’t be a perfect daughter, perfect friend and perfect student all at the same time! I can’t be a perfect musician! I can’t be a perfect person! It’s just impossible. It’s not that I haven’t tried I just can’t. I’m sorry I’ve been so stressy recently. It’s not me being a stroppy teenager who needs controlling. I can’t help it. I want to stop. I tried to stop. It got too much. I failed at another thing. I don’t want to anymore.
I’ve got to get good grades so that I can make you proud. Let’s look at universities. Oh yes, that only has AAB grade 8 with piano skills entry requirements. I’ll get into that one easily. Ye right! I wont even pass my grade 7. That was just a waste of money. Another let down for you. Might as well just shrink into my shadow. Become nothing. Be nothing. I am nothing. I wont get anywhere. I’ll never be anyone.
I want to be me again. The one I was when I started 6th form. The one I was in year 11. I was happy. I was me. Take me back then. Not now. It’s all too much. It’s going too fast. I want it to slow down and let me back into my own life.
I hate the way I'll be feeling good about myself, about things, then my head will get all spazzed up again and flip. It's as if I have two different people inside of me. I can change any time. Mostly in the evenings. Being around people helps. Sitting at my desk, doing work non-stop doesn't. If I do it somewhere where others are I get distracted. If I give myself a break I get distracted. I hate it. I hate me.
Saturday 3 March 2007
Lack of talent
So I got my flute back and it’s good. I’m not. I can’t play now. It’s only about 2 weeks until my exam and I can’t go through my study with out stopping and my Aria just sounds like a load of long held notes with a few messed up twiddled bits between them. I can’t do my scales even though I’ve spent ages going up and down and up and down . They all sound a mess! I can't even remember the difference between doninant 7th and diminished 7ths. The concert music I can’t play. I’m meant to be in orchestra for fucks sack and I can’t do them. They probably let me in out of pitty. I’m meant to be helping Jenny with our shared piece on Monday and it’s a shambles. How am I meant to help her when I can't do it myself? How do I expect to get into uni doing music? What chance is there of me getting into the army? NONE. I’m just a stupid little girl who clings on to the dream that she’s got her Dad’s music talent. That all probably went to her brother as well.
Thursday 1 March 2007
Phew...
Whoo ...
...got the extention but have got to keep quiet about it otherwise Sir might get in trouble (honest this is keeping quiet. I don't hit the laptop keys THAT hard!!)
Oh and have given up with lent. It's impossible.
......got the extention but have got to keep quiet about it otherwise Sir might get in trouble (honest this is keeping quiet. I don't hit the laptop keys THAT hard!!)
Oh and have given up with lent. It's impossible.
Tuesday 27 February 2007
Coursework
Don’t you just hate biology work. I was feeling optimistic about my last piece I handed in and it come back to be marked at level two. That’s crap. It’s roughly and E. Even Bennett did better than me (no offence to him but I have to help him in class). I thought I’d done well on it, but that just shows my biological knowledge.Also I asked the teacher for an extension for the plan of the next bit of coursework, which is now even more important so I can replace the last crap one, as I have my grade 7 on the same day. He doesn’t think he can give it to me, as it would mean marking the coursework that was handed in late this time. AHHHHHHH!!! Now I’m stressed!!!!!!
Monday 26 February 2007
Getting thing's off my chest.
Sorry. I just need to get a few things off my chest.
I'm worried about schoolwork. I'm not keeping up and I’m not motivated. This seems to be a common thing at 6th from at the moment. I have a piece of witchcraft coursework to be due in and I have no idea what to write for it. It's not as if our teacher has taught us much and writing essays is not my strong point. Also I have a piece of biology coursework to do and I’m crap at biology now. I used to get it but I don't anymore. And on top of that I have a complete block on what to do for my music coursework and Miss wants us to hand the completed scores in soon to play through.
On top of this I have my grade coming up soon and I’m not ready. On the same day we have a big concert in Newmarket and I can’t play any of the music and also that day I have to hand in the plan for a piece of coursework. I set myself up for failure. But I’m ready for it and I’ll pass next time.
Also I’m worried about many of my friends. I'm worried about Amy, as I don't like seeing her upset and stressed. I don't want her to go through what I’ve been through. I'm worried about Jenny as she just worries me! I don't like the way Hannah's changed at 6th form. She doesn’t seem to be concentrating on her work and I know that’s not what it’s all about, but I’m not to keen on her new friends. It sounds horrible to say but on the whole they’re irresponsible, immature and wouldn’t be there for her if she really needed help. All the boys want is sex and she can’t see that! Lastly I’m worried about Dean. He’s not had it easy. His childhood was crap. He doesn’t talk to anyone about it. He drinks to forget. He’s going to end up a waster but he’s got so much to offer. People just don’t see that. They see a thug. But he’s not. He’s sweet. He’s helped me more than even he can imagine.
Also people tell me things they don’t want others to know. People I don’t really know open up to me. My boss has told me all about her private life and her problems with her husband but her family doesn’t know. It means I can’t talk about it to my friends at school as Nat is her niece and she has no idea what’s going on.
I’m sorry I’ve just gone on. I needed to get it out of my head and onto paper.
I'm worried about schoolwork. I'm not keeping up and I’m not motivated. This seems to be a common thing at 6th from at the moment. I have a piece of witchcraft coursework to be due in and I have no idea what to write for it. It's not as if our teacher has taught us much and writing essays is not my strong point. Also I have a piece of biology coursework to do and I’m crap at biology now. I used to get it but I don't anymore. And on top of that I have a complete block on what to do for my music coursework and Miss wants us to hand the completed scores in soon to play through.
On top of this I have my grade coming up soon and I’m not ready. On the same day we have a big concert in Newmarket and I can’t play any of the music and also that day I have to hand in the plan for a piece of coursework. I set myself up for failure. But I’m ready for it and I’ll pass next time.
Also I’m worried about many of my friends. I'm worried about Amy, as I don't like seeing her upset and stressed. I don't want her to go through what I’ve been through. I'm worried about Jenny as she just worries me! I don't like the way Hannah's changed at 6th form. She doesn’t seem to be concentrating on her work and I know that’s not what it’s all about, but I’m not to keen on her new friends. It sounds horrible to say but on the whole they’re irresponsible, immature and wouldn’t be there for her if she really needed help. All the boys want is sex and she can’t see that! Lastly I’m worried about Dean. He’s not had it easy. His childhood was crap. He doesn’t talk to anyone about it. He drinks to forget. He’s going to end up a waster but he’s got so much to offer. People just don’t see that. They see a thug. But he’s not. He’s sweet. He’s helped me more than even he can imagine.
Also people tell me things they don’t want others to know. People I don’t really know open up to me. My boss has told me all about her private life and her problems with her husband but her family doesn’t know. It means I can’t talk about it to my friends at school as Nat is her niece and she has no idea what’s going on.
I’m sorry I’ve just gone on. I needed to get it out of my head and onto paper.
Wednesday 21 February 2007
'Always look on the bright side of life, do do, do do do do do do'
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
WOO HOO WHAT A RIDE!!!!
Tuesday 20 February 2007
Lent
I've decided I want to be over Dean. 
If i feel myself felling anything for him i'll think other thoughts and if he flirts i'll ignore him. It will be easier when he's moved to Bury and i wont have to see him every morning and night on the bus. I'm not going to think of him as someone i want for 40 days. That's untill the April the 1st.
If i feel myself felling anything for him i'll think other thoughts and if he flirts i'll ignore him. It will be easier when he's moved to Bury and i wont have to see him every morning and night on the bus. I'm not going to think of him as someone i want for 40 days. That's untill the April the 1st.
Sunday 18 February 2007
Back in the country!!!!
SNOWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm finally back at home in England for good!!! Feels like i've been gone for ages but it was just a week. Val Cenis was fantastic and the skiining was amazing. The Alpes are beautiful but i'm happy to be home. I can now have a nice clean and tidy bedroom and not get woken up in the night by BJ snoring (which was VERY loud!!!)! Oh and i only fell over 5 time in 7 days. But i still don't think it's normal to attatch two sticks to your feet and hurtle down the side of a mountain!!!!!
I'm finally back at home in England for good!!! Feels like i've been gone for ages but it was just a week. Val Cenis was fantastic and the skiining was amazing. The Alpes are beautiful but i'm happy to be home. I can now have a nice clean and tidy bedroom and not get woken up in the night by BJ snoring (which was VERY loud!!!)! Oh and i only fell over 5 time in 7 days. But i still don't think it's normal to attatch two sticks to your feet and hurtle down the side of a mountain!!!!!Saturday 10 February 2007
Friday 9 February 2007
Bored!
I'm SOOOOOOO bored!!!!!!! I'm meant to be doing homework but mum keeps on coming in to talk to me and then i get destracted again (like now).
And we're flying off to France tomorrow!!!!!! YEY!!!!!!! I can't wait. We haven't been away as a family for two years and we're going skiing again. Hope i don't fall over and break anything or have another near death experience with a snow crusher (my life flashed before my eyes!!!!)!
I was trying to read from a sheet earlier and it was on the floor and Pepper came and sat on it! He had the whole of the rest of the floor to sit on but NOOOOO he had to sit on my paper (and put muddy paw prints on it!). Attention seeking fat cat!!! (but i love him really :->)
And we're flying off to France tomorrow!!!!!! YEY!!!!!!! I can't wait. We haven't been away as a family for two years and we're going skiing again. Hope i don't fall over and break anything or have another near death experience with a snow crusher (my life flashed before my eyes!!!!)!Tuesday 6 February 2007
Russia
Ok...
So how can i sum up Russia?
IT WAS BRILL!!!!!!!!!!!
We went to Yusupov palace and the Summer Palace and the Winter Palace and the Peter and Paul Fortress and a Jazz night and the ballet to see the Nutcracker (pom!) and a Russian night. (phew-breath!)
Sharing a room with Hannah was fun to. We had a daily routine. I would get up. Shake Hannah. Have a shower and get ready for the day. Shake Hannah again and she'd roll into some clothes. Then once we'd come back from breakfast (where she would just grut responses!) she'd get ready. Then at the end of the day it would be me waiting at the door for her to come back to the room as it was about 1 in the morning and everyone else was in bed!
Best bit: ballet
Worst bit: two voices in my head- one telling me to enjoy the break and the other telling me that i'm missing lots of school work and will be behind (the second one was deffinetly, very right!)
The diversion to Millan was also interesting as not only was it an extreamly long day of traveling, but my shoes set off the metal detector and Jack feel over ars over tit!
Oh, and on the way back i got stuck next to Max-Chewing his cheek and making grunting noices the whole way home. AND he took up half of my seat too!!!!!!!!!
So how can i sum up Russia?
IT WAS BRILL!!!!!!!!!!!
We went to Yusupov palace and the Summer Palace and the Winter Palace and the Peter and Paul Fortress and a Jazz night and the ballet to see the Nutcracker (pom!) and a Russian night. (phew-breath!)
Sharing a room with Hannah was fun to. We had a daily routine. I would get up. Shake Hannah. Have a shower and get ready for the day. Shake Hannah again and she'd roll into some clothes. Then once we'd come back from breakfast (where she would just grut responses!) she'd get ready. Then at the end of the day it would be me waiting at the door for her to come back to the room as it was about 1 in the morning and everyone else was in bed!
Best bit: ballet
Worst bit: two voices in my head- one telling me to enjoy the break and the other telling me that i'm missing lots of school work and will be behind (the second one was deffinetly, very right!)
The diversion to Millan was also interesting as not only was it an extreamly long day of traveling, but my shoes set off the metal detector and Jack feel over ars over tit!
Oh, and on the way back i got stuck next to Max-Chewing his cheek and making grunting noices the whole way home. AND he took up half of my seat too!!!!!!!!!
Monday 5 February 2007
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHH. Do you ever just feel like the one that’s right for you s just slipping through your fingers? It’s as if sometimes he’s reciprocating what I feel. But maybe that’s just me trying to see what I want. But then he doesn’t seem to be interested at all. I was so stupid to let him go in the first place. Why can’t I just get over him! It’s been just 8 days under 2 months since we split and I still dream about him almost every night and when I’m with him I want to go away as it’s killing me inside, but when I’m away from him I can’t stop thinking about him. AHHH. I missed him so much when I was in Russia. Thought stupid things like we could go away together and do the things we did like go to the ballet and kiss in moonlight in the snow. When I got back to England and got a text from him it was almost better than Russia itself. I’m such a stupid freak for hanging on to something that never will happen again. I should have tried harder to keep him. I just want him back. And I don’t think it’s helped by the fact that I’ve come back to school and am of course behind in everything and my stupid coursework draft has come back at a D and that’s crap. Why am I so crap at everything I do? I’ve put myself in for my bloody grade 7. Why did I think I was good enough for that? It just going to be another thing I fail. Another thing that just reiterates the fact that I’m stupid. AHHHHH I want to cut now but I can’t. I can’t even do my stupid history work that has been set for ages. AHHHHHHHHH I just want what I had just after the summer holidays back again.
Sunday 28 January 2007
Whooooo!!!!
Call me Queen of the Technology World!!! (Or just Emma if that is tooooo much of a mouthfull!)
Um, ok....
Here we go. If you can read this then I have got the hang of technology. (If not there really is no point in me writting this!!!!)
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