Idiot.

Today on the whole has been shit. I’ve just wanted to curl up and cry. I did cry. It started with my Mum this morning telling me she’s disappointed in me for going out and getting only a little bit drunk at a RCP. COME ON MUM!!! I’m almost 17 and that was the first time! She told me I’m a binge drinker as I had some alcohol at the last RCP too. She wouldn’t cope with a proper teenager.

Then at school I got a C in Music. I know that sounds pathetic, but it’s the only thing (allegedly) that I can do. I want to get an A in it, as it’s the only one I have any chance in passing.

Then I had History, which went so badly. I didn’t feel that bad at the beginning of the lesson and normally enjoy Russia, but we were going over a question I couldn’t do. They went over it as a class making all these clever links and stuff and showing all this brilliant knowledge and understanding and I felt so stupid because I didn’t understand it. Then we had to do a timed essay question on our own and I couldn’t do it. I sound pathetic and stupid now. I just sat and read the sources and had no idea and someone made a comment and then they all went on another big conversation about stuff and I didn’t understand. I spent the last part of the lesson trying to stop shaking and not to cry. I think the teacher knew something was wrong as at the end of the lesson I asked her if she knew where Jenny was and she said she didn’t, but asked it I was ok and could I handle ‘helping’ Jenny. If only she knew it’s the other way round. I couldn’t help it. I started to cry so just left the room saying I was ok.

I wanted to go on a walk but I could see Mr Williams and Nat and Shell walking up to 6th form. When I went to put my bag in the room with everyone else I realised I had to ask Miss if she knew what time I had to see Mr Allison so had to face her again.

When I walked in and asked she said she wanted to talk with me. I told that it’s just stress of the work. It wasn’t a complete. I just looked like a fucking idiot and cried in front of her. A stupid, ugly, fucking pathetic idiot.

Then I had to walk back into the room with all my friends and go and see Mr Allison for some extra help with the Liberal course. They all pointed out the fact that my eyes were red and I’d been crying. Thanks. I really didn’t want to go and study more in my lunch break, but I knew I had to. I’m going to fail Liberals too. Why can’t a teacher do the job she’s supposed to do and fucking teach us! It’s not hard, but now there’s no chance I’ll pass the exam. They probably wont even let me back into 6th from next year.

Then I had English which was a waist of time and after that I went and had some extra help for Miss Lewis. I still feel stupid though as she led me to all the answers.
After school was orchestra. I didn’t want to go. I couldn’t play the pieces and one on the pieces made me get that stupid shivery feeling that Dean always gave me. Stupid feelings.