Too much now

I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Reading. Extra reading. Homework Coursework. Composition. Exam. Revision. Practice. Grade.

It never stops.

Smile. Smile. Smile.

If I don’t smile I get hassled as to why I’m not happy. Why I’m not getting involved with family activities. Why I’m not going out with my friends as much. Why I’m not myself.

Well if you really want to know! I can’t be a perfect daughter, perfect friend and perfect student all at the same time! I can’t be a perfect musician! I can’t be a perfect person! It’s just impossible. It’s not that I haven’t tried I just can’t. I’m sorry I’ve been so stressy recently. It’s not me being a stroppy teenager who needs controlling. I can’t help it. I want to stop. I tried to stop. It got too much. I failed at another thing. I don’t want to anymore.

I’ve got to get good grades so that I can make you proud. Let’s look at universities. Oh yes, that only has AAB grade 8 with piano skills entry requirements. I’ll get into that one easily. Ye right! I wont even pass my grade 7. That was just a waste of money. Another let down for you. Might as well just shrink into my shadow. Become nothing. Be nothing. I am nothing. I wont get anywhere. I’ll never be anyone.

I want to be me again. The one I was when I started 6th form. The one I was in year 11. I was happy. I was me. Take me back then. Not now. It’s all too much. It’s going too fast. I want it to slow down and let me back into my own life.

I hate the way I'll be feeling good about myself, about things, then my head will get all spazzed up again and flip. It's as if I have two different people inside of me. I can change any time. Mostly in the evenings. Being around people helps. Sitting at my desk, doing work non-stop doesn't. If I do it somewhere where others are I get distracted. If I give myself a break I get distracted. I hate it. I hate me.